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Jokes about clients

#1 Jokes about clients
12/01/2015 16:33

Bushy Eyebrow Partner

Does anybody know any good jokes about clients?

NOT about specific companies or projects or whatever, but just general funny jokes with a client-based theme. Like "A consultant was talking to his client and blah blah blah then client said blah blah so XYZ happened then then the consultant said blah blah to which the client responded blah blah blah! Ha ha ha!"

Or they an be about situations just so long as it's COMPLETELY anonymised and was really funny. Like, "one day I was talking to my client's CEO about this thing and he said blah blah to which I said blah blah blah and when I checked I noticed my zipper had indeed been undone all the way through the presentation! Ha ha ha!!!"

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#2 RE: Jokes about clients
12/01/2015 17:39

marsday to Bushy Eyebrow Partner (#1)

Oldie but still funny..

A surgeon, an engineer and a consultant are discussing what the oldest profession in the world could be.

The surgeon says : "As God created Eve from Adam's rib, I consider this as a medical act, so, the oldest profession is the one of surgery".

Of course, the engineer doesn't agree and replies: "No, no, in the Bible, it is stated that God created Earth and Heaven out of the Chaos. Clearly, this is purely engineering, so mine is the oldest profession".

At which point the consultant says: "And who, you think, created that Chaos?".

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#3 RE: Jokes about clients
12/01/2015 18:43

Bushy Eyebrow Partner to marsday (#2)

I never tire of that one... ;)

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#4 RE: Jokes about clients
12/01/2015 21:25

noctilucus to Bushy Eyebrow Partner (#3)

Along the same lines...

A guy is driving around in his BMW in the countryside.

Stops outside a field full of sheep, walks up to the shepherd and says "I've got an offer. I'll guess how many sheep you've got in this field, and if I guess right, I get to take a sheep with me, and if I guess wrong, you get my car." Shepherd thinks he's on to a sure thing and agrees.

"137" says the driver. "Damn me, you're right.", says the shepherd and dutifully hands over a sheep. Man walks away, stuffs sheep in car, and is about to drive away when the shepherd knocks on his window.

"I've got a proposal for you. If I can guess what you do for a living, I get to take your car. If I'm wrong, you can have all my sheep." "Done", says the driver, counting up the number of nights he could be kept happy with 137 sheep. "You're a consultant.", says the shepherd. "Bloody hell, how did you guess?"

"Easy. You come in here uninvited, you tell me what I already know, and then you charge me for it. Now give me back my dog."

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#5 RE: Jokes about clients
13/01/2015 10:35

Anon MCs to noctilucus (#4)

A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost.

He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must work in Management Consulting" says the balloonist.

"I do" replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but It's of no use to anyone."

The man below replies, "You must work in management"

"I do" replies the balloonist, "But how'd you know?"

"Well", says the man, "you don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault."

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#6 RE: Jokes about clients
13/01/2015 17:00

marsday to Anon MCs (#5)

The chickens in a large hen house started to quarrel, wounded each other and many of them died every day. The upset farmer hurried to a consultant, and asked for a solution to his problem.

"Add baking-powder to the chickens' food," said the consultant, "it will calm them down."

After a week the farmer came back to the consultant and said: "My chickens continue to die. What shall I do?"

"Add strawberry juice to their drinking water, that will help for sure".

A week passed, and again the farmer came to the consultant: "My chickens are still quarrelling. Do you have some more advice?"

"I can give you more and more advice," answered the consultant. "The real question is whether you have more chickens."

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#7 RE: Jokes about clients
13/01/2015 23:21

noctilucus to marsday (#6)

A real life "what the hell" moment, though obviously anonymous:

In an intermediate steering group meeting, with a good dozen people from the client side as well as our consultant team present, the client's CFO referring to his head of production and head of sales as "Laurel and Hardy".

Way to go in creating a nice team atmosphere and showing respect for your local management... Nevertheless, it was a nice change from the usual jokes about consultants though certainly weird.

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