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Funny consultant jokes

 
#1 Funny consultant jokes
18/04/2013 12:01

Bushy Eyebrow Partner

Let's make up our own jokes.

"A consultant walks into a bar... " What comes next?

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#2 RE: Funny consultant jokes
18/04/2013 12:06

Mr Cool to Bushy Eyebrow Partner (#1)

ouch - it was an iron bar.

Apologies to the late great Tommy Cooper

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#3 RE: Funny consultant jokes
18/04/2013 12:35

tom1 to Mr Cool (#2)

A consultant walks into a government department and realises that it is run efficiently.

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#4 RE: Funny consultant jokes
18/04/2013 12:43

Arby the Manager to tom1 (#3)

A Partner in a large consulting firm and a more junior colleague decide to go on a weekend trip hunting bears.

They arrive at their small log cabin set in a clearing deep in the forest. The Junior Consultant starts to prepare a simple meal for them in the kitchen and begins to set up the range of equipment he has brought along for the bear hunt.

The Partner drops his bags and immediately disappears out the front door of the cabin; he is gone for about an hour.

Suddenly, the Partner comes running at full speed out of the trees, back across clearing and straight in through the front door of the cabin, with a huge grizzly bear just a few paces behind him.

As he disappears out the back door he yells over his shoulder at the Consulant "OK, You skin this Beauty, I’ll go get us another!" ....

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#5 RE: Funny consultant jokes
18/04/2013 13:53

Charliefleabag to Bushy Eyebrow Partner (#1)

The Consultant and the Frog

A man was walking through the forest one day when a frog called out to him from the side of the path...

It said "If you kiss me, I'll turn into an enchanting, beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog, put it in his pocket and continued with his walk.

The frog chimed up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into an enchanting and beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The man stopped, took the frog out of his pocket, smiled fondly at it, returned it to his pocket and resumed his walk.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into an enchanting, beautiful princess, I will stay with you and you can do anything you want with me." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asks in exasperation, "What the hell is wrong with you? I've told you I'm an enchanting, beautiful princess; that I'll stay with you and let you do anything you want with me. Why won't you kiss me?"

The man said, "Look, I'm a consultant. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog – How Cool is THAT!! "

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#6 RE: Funny consultant jokes
18/04/2013 14:02

Charliefleabag to Bushy Eyebrow Partner (#1)

You can't beat Dilbert:

http://search.dilbert.com/comic/Management%20Consultant

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#7 RE: Funny consultant jokes
18/04/2013 19:39

sempai to Charliefleabag (#6)

One of my favorite lists:

Are you a prostitute or a consultant…

------------------------------------------------------

1. You work very odd hours.

2. You are paid a lot of money to keep your client happy.

3. You are paid well but your pimp gets most of the money.

4. You spend a majority of your time in a hotel room.

5. You charge by the hour but your time can be extended for the right price.

6. You are not proud of what you do.

7. Creating fantasies for your clients is rewarded.

8. It's difficult to have a family.

9. You have no job satisfaction.

10. If a client beats you up, the pimp just sends you to another client.

11. You are embarrassed to tell people what you do for a living.

12. People ask you, "What do you do?" and you can't explain it.

13. Your family hardly recognizes you at reunions (at least the reunions you attend.)

14. Your friends have distanced themselves from you and you're left hanging with only other "professionals."

15. Your client pays for your hotel room plus your hourly rate.

16. Your client always wants to know how much you charge and what they get for the money.

17. Your pimp drives nice cars like Mercedes or BMWs.

18. Your pimp encourages drinking and you become addicted to drugs to ease the pain of it all.

19. You know the pimp is charging more than you are worth but if the client is foolish enough to pay it's not your problem.

20. When you leave to go see a client, you look great, but return looking like hell (compare your appearance on Monday AM to Friday PM).

21. You are rated on your "performance" in an excruciating ordeal.

22. Even though you get paid the big bucks, it's the client who walks away smiling.

23. The client always thinks your "cut" of your billing rate is higher than it actually is, and in turn, expects miracles from you.

24. When you deduct your "take" from your billing rate, you constantly wonder if you could get a better deal with another pimp.

25. Everyday you wake up and tell yourself, "I'm not going to be doing this stuff the rest of my life."

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#8 RE: Funny consultant jokes
18/04/2013 21:26

Bushy Eyebrow Partner to sempai (#7)

Gotta love number 10. There's a variant of that one, too:

10. If a client beats you up, the pimp steps in and joins the client in beating you up too.

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#9 RE: Funny consultant jokes
19/04/2013 01:25

Mr Cool to Bushy Eyebrow Partner (#8)

Hate to break it to you BEP, but you're the Bushy Eyebrow Pimp

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#10 RE: Funny consultant jokes
21/04/2013 01:38

detoilet Consultant to Mr Cool (#9)

Surprised no one has told this one yet

PA !

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#11 RE: Funny consultant jokes
21/04/2013 01:52

detoilet Consultant to Mr Cool (#9)

A bushy eyebrowed consultant was sitting in a bar having a drink with his friend, who is his polar opposite. In fact, he may be the most handsome detiolet man in town.

The two of them are discussing key statistical quadrants and significance values of a beautiful blonde girl sitting at the bar.

The Detoilet consultant said, “Boy, I sure would like to get some of that.”

The bushy eyebrowed consultant said, “Go ahead, go for it.”

The detoilet consultant said, “There’s no way, she won’t go with anybody, I’ve tried many times.”

The bushy eyebrowed consultant said, “I think I could go out with her if I wanted to.”

Detoilet laughed and said, “If she won’t go out with me, she sure as hell won’t go out with you.”

Bushy eyebrowed consultant said, “I’ll bet you fifty euros she’ll go with me.”

Detoilet says, “You’re on!”

Bushy eyebrowed consultant says, “OK, just leave the money with the bartender and I’ll pick it up later.”

He walks up to the girl, starts talking and then turned around and walked out of the bar, with the girl right behind him. Detoilet couldn’t believe it. He went up to the bar and asked the bartender, “What happened? What did he say to her?”

The bartender told him, “Well, he didn’t say much. He just said it’s a nice night for a walk. And then he licked his eyebrows and left.”

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#12 RE: Funny consultant jokes
21/04/2013 10:11

dtang to detoilet Consultant (#11)

This thread reminded me of that bankers vs consultants video --

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ROlDmux7Tk4

I still can't stop laughing after watching it.

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#13 RE: Funny consultant jokes
22/04/2013 12:29

Bob to dtang (#12)

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd,..........

"If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully-grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure."

The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM Thinkpad and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 130 page report on his miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says,.........

"You have exactly 1586 sheep".

"That is correct; take one of the sheep" said the shepherd.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.

Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?"

"OK, why not" answered the young man.

"Clearly, you are a consultant" said the shepherd.

"That's correct" says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required" answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business.... Now give me back my dog".

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#14 RE: Funny consultant jokes
23/04/2013 15:56

tom1 to sempai (#7)

I have to admit I've been sharing this one about, had a few chuckles!

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