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Pompous "Day in the life" articles

 
#1 Pompous "Day in the life" articles
29/01/2009 11:07

Pomp

Hi everyone. I need to write a "day in the life" type article and want to see how far I can push it to the limits of pompousness without it actually being detected for the BS that it is.

I'm sure you've all read those "day in the life of a consultant" articles that read as follows:

5.30am - Get up, check my Blackberry and respond to a few e-mails the client CEO has sent me overnight.

5.45am - Go for 15 mile jog, have a shower and do 100 chin-ups.

6.30am - Off to the airport. Grab a skinny latte and draft a quick presentation for my 8.00am meeting with the client.

etc etc etc Then:

10.30pm - go for dinner with the managing partner. Impress him with my knowledge of japanese fine art. Get asked if I would like to speak at the shareholder's meeting on a revolutionary new strategy for the new millennium.

1.30am - Hit the clubs. Party for a few hours befor finally heading home.

3.30am - Arrive home and get a few hours sleep to refresh myself for the day ahead tomorrow.

Can anyone help me out with writing my "day in the life" thing? Thanks!

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#2 RE: Pompous "Day in the life" articles
29/01/2009 22:51

Uncle Bob to Pomp (#1)

That is creepy - have you been following my early morning and late night movements?

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#3 RE: Pompous "Day in the life" articles
29/01/2009 23:05

BoringPoint to Pomp (#1)

1. Its 2.30am I think im suppsed to be finishing this cr*p by tomorrow, but hey I know the client wont have bothered their A&se

2. 6am switch alarm to snooze for 10 mins

3. 6.10am ditto

4. 7.30am Forget where mobile is and it wont switch off, wake up

5. 7.45am Yep stubble IS my look of today

6. 7.50am I am dressed, took a shirt that still had at least one wear left in it

7. 8.30am Go over schedule, have coffee and cereal, and a sauasage with sauce

8. 9.10am Visit Mr Pharacist for my blister packed friend of codeine and paracetamol

9. 9.30am Client meeting, its a case of 'who thought what' and lots of 'positioning' by people who dont deserve to be paid

10. 10.00am Have more actions to take away and 'sort', the client has again asked for 'moon on a stick' for £2

11. 10.45am Discussed with Tech and Services, we move Indians over to 'learn' and ship them back, will fit into client costs

12. 11.00am 6 more painkillers

13. 11.30am Client agrees to the 'cheapest' option, but we go through the BAFo/LAFO process about 20 times to see if its any cheaper

14. Days later, client indecision cost client more than the medium option now

15. More of the above, but geta signature, Ya F*king Hoo!

16. Interview with the Indian team goes well, well they all sounded like one bloke, turns out it was one bloke answering all questions

17. Project kicks off, all goies well, we hand over to BAU

18. 3 months later its in a heap, we offer to sell 'fix the cheap option' services

19. Painkiller addition out of control, have multiple 'cowpat' projects on the go

20. Eventually make partner, thank christ, now to rain it down.

21. Retire at 52, lots of cash, still wondering where 10 years went...

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#4 RE: Pompous "Day in the life" articles
30/01/2009 10:30

RH to BoringPoint (#3)

Love this!

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#5 RE: Pompous "Day in the life" articles
30/01/2009 13:27

someguy to Pomp (#1)

5:00 am - had that dream again about running over an investment banking mate, then wearing his face-skin and getting his bonus.

6:00 am - wake up. check face in the mirror. Nope, still me.

8:30 pm - where did my day go? all I remember are blurry images of office cubicles. people running. someone screaming?

9 pm - check my blackberry. 623 messages? and since when did the police know my email address? hmmm. something to check on tomorrow.

DISCLAIMER: this is a joke... I don't actually have a Blackberry. ;)

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#6 RE: Pompous "Day in the life" articles
30/01/2009 17:58

hardhat to someguy (#5)

Try something along these lines:

8.30am Wake up and check weather. It snowed last night but now the sun is out.

8.50am Visit sauna and have a shower

9.10am Find ski jacket. Oh no did I leave it in that bar I visited when all those saucy chicks started dancing with me.

9.15am Panic. It had my blackberry in it and my pass for the ski lifts.

9.20am Find jacket. Phew!

9.25am Go for a bite to eat downstairs in the chalet. Talk to bloke about off-piste skiing and about bruise on his head he got when mad French snow boarder ran into him. He works in client organisation so advise that he should wear a hard hat in future. Safety first.

9.45am Oops finished breakfast a bit quick, see if they will do me another cafe au lait while rest of ski party gets ready.

9.55am Get skis and boots.

10.00 Start ascending alps, put on sun cream and find cool track on iPod.

10.25 Enjoy some morning skiing.

11.00 Call from work - ignore it I'm on holiday

12.45 Find call place for lunch with other skiers from the chalet

14.00 Improve off piste turns.

15.00 Another comfort break and some more skiing

16.30 Try the black run down to the resort to avoid the crowds

17.00 Have a beer

18.00 Its apres-ski time.

19.00 Sit opposite a banker at dinner and find out about new consulting opportunities. Wow they have problems - sounds like they really need my consulting skills. Exchange contact details.

20.00 Into to town for some more fun. Don't take Blackberry I will only end up losing it or get tied into a call from work

21.00 Narrowly avoid getting snowballed by folks from chalet before visiting bar

22.00 Get mobbed by beautiful people on reaching bar.

23.00 See news on TV and thank God I'm out of the country during dying days of Labour government

23.10 Go to club

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#7 RE: Pompous "Day in the life" articles
31/01/2009 03:19

HRS to hardhat (#6)

this is not a joke; my consulting experience:

8:30 Wake up

9:00 smoke a few cigarettes coffee

9:45 Arrive in office

11:00 take 20mon coffee/cig break

12:30 take 1.5-2hr lunch

3:00 take 20 min cigarette break

5:00 leave for the day

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#8 RE: Pompous "Day in the life" articles
31/01/2009 12:31

anon to HRS (#7)

ha ha, good stuff!

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#9 RE: Pompous "Day in the life" articles
31/01/2009 12:36

meme to anon (#8)

When working:

5.00 – Alarm goes off but the tiredness if so painful I hit snooze for 30minutes.

5.30 - Get up, question the point of it all, turn on blackberry and see 5 messages from your manager or partner asking you to amend the work you finished at 2am that morning which no one will ever read.

8.30 - After taxis, trains, tubes and more trains arrive at client industrial site in the middle of nowhere and then wait in reception for an hour for the client to arrive.

9.30 - Make small talk, eventually get my laptop on and thank god my privacy screen lets me read personal emails. Go to the toilets as many times as possible to enjoy some sense of freedom.

10.00 – Conduct an interview on an area I have no clue about but fortunately was just google. Desperately try to wrap it up so I can get back to my work and not finish it in the early hours of the morning again.

12.00 – Lunch. Well, being in the middle of nowhere my only option is the vending machine so another healthy collection of chocolate and crisps. Consider if I could get up a little earlier and go for a quick run if I set my alarm clock half an hour earlier.

13.00 – Chase the information the client promised me I would have by last week at the latest and discover it is now unavailable. Just make the slides anyway and put the excuses (footnotes) on the bottom.

15.00 – Partner pushes his lack of planning on to the manager and the sh!t begins to trickle down. Decide we better have 150 slides no one will read just in case rather than just 100. It is also CRITICAL that in your excel model the blue shading is now grey. And font 11 not 12.

16.00 – Partner pulls some conclusions out of his back-side and then defends them by saying they are either simply hypotheses or something we have seen a lot at similar clients (which we haven’t). I attempt to challenge some of these ever so slightly but get cut off as the partner is in a hurry and am told to sell these views to the client.

17.30 – Get laughed out of the client’s office with ‘our’ hypothesis. Get asked a series of questions I can just about dodge and try to refer to the data which is ignored. Fortunately the meeting ends as the client should have gone home half an hour ago and lets me know how busy he is and that there aren’t enough hours in the day.

18.00 – Partner changes his mind after hearing how all of our interview went but is clear that he was right the first time.

21.00 – Race to get the last train home

23.00 – Get home and treat myself to a Sainsbury’s sandwich I got on the way home and carry on working up the new idea.

01.00 - Bed

When (rarely) on the beach/bench:

11.00 - Slide into the office

11.30 - Say hello to some people to remind them I am alive whilst being clear that I am really busy

12.00 - Do my expenses

14.00 - Gym and go home

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#10 RE: Pompous "Day in the life" articles
31/01/2009 19:58

Evil Consultant to meme (#9)

Ha! Meme, you're spot on with that post.

Seagull management (fly in, sh1t on you and fly out) and gyroscopic management (self-centred and spinning rapidly) are endemic in management consulting.

EC

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#11 RE: Pompous "Day in the life" articles
31/01/2009 20:29

The TDC to Evil Consultant (#10)

For more of this, try GDIFC.com

Just one of many gems:

http://www.gettingdrunkinfirstclass.com/2007/02/20/who-needs-food/

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#12 RE: Pompous "Day in the life" articles
02/02/2009 01:20

fb to The TDC (#11)

07:45am - Get up, mess around on facebook for 45minutes. Shower, eat breakfast, turn on blackberry, get annoyed at volumes of emails,turn off blackberry.

09:15am - swagger into office, make sure you say hello to everybody so it does not appear you are embarrassed to be late, but rather had a 'power client breakfast'.

09:30am - realise still insanely hungover / possibly still drunk so scurry off to Pret.

10:15am - sit on a conference call and say nothing of value apart from 'let me take off your watch and tell you the time'.

2pm - go into your standard powerpoint template, dump a load of client data into charts and make up some conclusions. Refuse to concern yourself that the data does not support them.

4pm- brief partner on work - he seems bored and suggests we just put 'draft and subject to discussion' on pack and go to the bar. Nod vigorously.

5:30 - 4 pints in and feeling over confidents. Begin loudly talking about stupid bankers , knowing there is a big group of them in the corner.

11pm - find yourself in a strip club with a bunch of analysts.

2am - find yourself in a taxi with a stripper.

07:45am- rinse and repeat.

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